. . .Without Denying Myself

I Want To Be Like Jesus But Without Denying Myself

We are what is called a “Christian” nation—but in such a sense that not a single one of us is in the character of the Christianity of the New Testament, any more than I am, who again and again have repeated, and do now repeat that I am only a poet…I have not the least doubt that every single individual in the nation will be honest enough with God and with himself to say in solitary conversation, “If I must be candid, I do not deny that I am not a Christian in the New Testament sense; if I must be honest, I do not deny that my life cannot be called an effort in the direction of what the New Testament calls Christianity, in the direction of denying myself, renouncing the world, dying from it, etc.; rather the earthly and the temporal become more and more important to me with every year I live.

-Søren Kierkegaard, Attack Upon ‘Christendom’

            I used to fear that I was not truly living as a Christian, or worse, that what we have come to call Christianity was not Christianity. Yet, although it would be horrible to find out that I have failed at embodying Christ, it would be much more horrible, in my opinion, to find out that I have succeeded at embodying Christ.

            No, it is a much better truth to the world (and to me) that I—and all other Christians—have failed to be like Jesus than to find out that today’s Christianity is fully Christianity. 

            Unfortunately, this false Christianity is still being presented to the world as the Christianity of the New Testament. We, myself included and highlighted, tend to make excuses for ourselves, never wanting to face the overwhelming truth that we have failed at being like Jesus. We refuse to dwell amidst the grace of God that acknowledges our shortcomings, because we rather live in the comfortable lie that we are not failures.

            Thus, we are trapped in our own lies. The only way to free ourselves from this lie is to confess our shortcomings to God, ourselves, and each other. One cannot fix a lie while still holding it up as truth.

            As Kierkegaard states in Attack Upon ‘Christendom’,

            So long as we either make as if nothing were the matter, as if everything were all right, and what we call “Christianity” is the Christianity of the New Testament, or we perform artful tricks to support the appearance that it is the Christianity of the New Testament—so long as this Christian criminal offense continues, there can be no question of reforming, but only throwing light upon this Christian criminal offense.

We will continue this way unless we acknowledge the fact that we have lied. A man can say all his life that he can fly, but the minute we put his word to the test by pushing him off a cliff, then we will all see him plummet down to his demise.

            Lies kill the lier and hurt everyone around.

            I can’t fly.

            I am not truly living as a Christian.

            In Kierkegaard’s words, I confess:

If I must be candid, I do not deny that I am not a Christian in the New Testament sense; if I must be honest, I do not deny that my life cannot be called an effort in the direction of what the New Testament calls Christianity, in the direction of denying myself, renouncing the world, dying from it, etc.; rather the earthly and the temporal become more and more important to me with every year I live.

…Without The Pain.

I want to be like Jesus but without the pain

            I’m unsure whether one could be Christian (or human in this case) without having an ounce of suffering. Suffering is woven tightly and consistently within every Biblical tale, within every tale. We all have uttered the cry “Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani?” at one point in our life.

            Yet, every single day I wake up trying to avoid the very thing that is consistent: my own brokenness and that of others. I create a reality in which I am not broken, but no broken sculpture can stand for long.

            I used to struggle a lot with my own brokenness. I always thought complete healing came the minute one became Christian. I mean the lame walk, the blind see, and the dead are raised. Yet, Miguel stays broken.

            There is a loneliness that follows brokenness.

            Sometimes I wonder which is worse.

            At times, I am convinced Christianity is just a union of actors and actresses set on looking happy.

             Yet, I find myself fooled consistently by the act, unable to understand why Christianity is so much harder for me.

            Amidst these times of confusion and unresolved emotions, I find myself drawn to the lyrics of many Switchfoot songs (“Yet” being the most visited). In the lyrics, boldly and unashamed stand the confessions of struggle and suffering.

            Christianity is not a wonderfully put together model waiting to walk the runway but a raggedy broken being that cannot even stand on its own.

            The lie that one can be like Jesus without pain will end one day. There is no shame in being broken. There is no benefit in pretending that we aren’t broken.

The lie kills the liar and benefits no one.

Being like Jesus is accepting pain and dealing with it.

Being like Jesus is suffering.

I tell myself that everyday.